By viralid
I was born in Mumbai, India and lived in Lagos, Nigeria and Houston, Texas before my family and I settled in a small town in New Jersey—all before my fourth birthday. For as long as I can remember, I have been balancing myself between Indian and American, as if the parts that make me up are as distinct and separate as the countries on both sides of the world.
For years, growing up in a fairly homogeneous small town caused me to consider my background as a source of discomfort. When topics such as Indian weddings or outfits came up, my identity served as a source of pride; but for the most part, being an Indian-American was something I was ashamed about, something I wished away. And it wasn't until I got to GW that I stopped feeling like the weird little Indian girl and starting first accepting and then valuing the many parts of my identity.
At GW, I found that my identity was something to be proud of beyond the standard, opportune moments in which my Indian-ness held a sort of exotic, Other appeal. At GW, I met students who correctly pronounced the names of countries like Pakistan and Iran, who knew that Indian wasn't a language. So after years of mispronouncing and hiding and suppressing, I was able to openly express and share things I knew and thought and felt. Of course, I still met both students and professors who didn’t share the general open-mindedness I found at GW, people who told me my name—six letters, three syllables—was too long for them to understand or try to pronounce, people who problematically spoke to me in a mocking Indian accent. But I found a place where I could be myself a little bit more openly, where I could recognize and reconcile the differences between resenting, accepting, and then finally embracing my identity.
And it was with that newfound sense of empowerment—and the help of a three-month stay in Spain that pushed me to focus on exploring my background and identity a bit further—that I decided to study abroad in India. I’ve been here for two months already and have learned so much more about myself, about what it is to be India, what it is to be American, and how being Indian-American requires carving out your own identity not in either/or sort of way, but in a way that includes both aspects of who I am. I’ve learned so much and continue to grapple with different aspects of who I am and what I hold close to myself and what I choose to defend or let go of. One of my favorite quotes about travel is, “Travel not to find yourself but to remember who you’ve been all along.” And that is exactly what I plan to do both while I’m here and beyond.
