By gwrobinkim
I’m not a Korean, nor am I an American. I’m a Korean American, as I outlined in my very first blog post. But my experience here has been emphasizing more of that middle ground, even further between the Korean and American. What do I mean by that? I have so many more cultures and countries that have influenced my life and my personality beyond my Korean and American boundaries -- from each and every country I lived in and went to school in.
I guess I can’t pass as Korean.
Depending on the group of friends that I’m with at the time, I’m either the best or worst Korean speaker. When I’m the worst Korean speaker, I sit back and fit in. However, when I’m the only/better Korean speaker in the group, I’m often put in a sticky situation.
I’m pushed to order at restaurants since I can speak the language. Yet I feel instantly exposed when I notice the waiter hear my American accent or when they ask me a question I don’t understand and thus exploiting the fact that I am obviously not Korean. For example, I was at a smoothie cafe and was asked which protein supplement I wanted - I was so lost.
I can feel that people are trying to figure me out. Am I Korean? Am I a Korean American? Am I an Asian that can speak Korean? I was at a street food cart with a friend (another exchange student) on our way to pick up our alien registration cards (identification cards for foreigners in Korea). I ordered our food in Korean and then continued speaking to my friend in English. The owner, curious, began to talk with us - asking us where we’re from, where we’re studying, what our majors were, etc. After conversing with him for a few minutes, he asked me why my Korean was so good.
I told him that I was Korean, and he said “그렇지!” (“That’s right!”). I was a little shocked, but then he told me that he usually hears people like me, Korean Americans, say that they are a 교포 (Gyopo = a Korean descendant who originates from another country) and try to emphasize the fact that they are not just Korean but also from another home country. He told me that he understands they’re from a foreign country as well, but it’s nice to hear that some 교포s still embrace their Korean side, especially while in Korea. It was a nice thing of him to say, considering I usually do introduce myself to other Koreans as a 교포. Honestly, this encounter confused me - was I supposed to try and push my Korean side more now that I’m in this country? Or do I still identify myself as a Korean American?
So it’s also not enough to say I’m just American.
Every Monday through Thursday at 8am, I walk into my Academic Korean language class. In this class, we learn about academic topics such as psychology, education, fine arts, health, science, sports, etc. in Korean -- ultimately to prepare us with the sufficient language skill to take an undergraduate course taught in Korean. As a way to showcase the diversity of our class and the different cultures, our professor will ask each of us to share how this topic is differently viewed or practiced in our respective countries. As the only American in my class, I am the representative of all things the U.S. However, I’ve found it very difficult trying to answer everyone’s questions. I am American, and I grew up in an American household. However, I grew up all over the world.
For example, we were discussing the different education systems in our respective countries. We each had to share a unique characteristic that was specific to our home country and as we went around, I realized what I was going to share wasn’t an actual reflection of American middle schools but rather the international middle schools I attended. For example, in China, every morning the students have a 30 minute to 1 hour P.E. session: the male students tend to use this time to play soccer or basketball and the female students typically read books or socialized with their friends. In Thailand, students are required to learn the national dance in middle school. I tried so hard to think of something very unique to American middle schools that would surprise the rest of my classmates -- and I remembered that all of us (including me in my international school) had to wear uniforms until high school. So I shared that. Everyone was ecstatic! They began to ask me all these questions, typically following the lines of whether or not American schools were really like the movies. I had to admit that I actually went to middle school in Hong Kong and South Korea.
It’s not enough to say that I’m just American as I really don’t know just the unique characteristics of just American culture. My life is a mix of multiple cultures -- both of my own internal community (family) and external community (school, friends). Therefore, I know a heck of a lot of cultures’ unique characteristics so limiting me to my American culture limits me overall.
There have also been a number of other instances where I’m so confused by the reaction and responses of others to my identity.
- When registering for my alien registration card, I received my instruction sheet in Korean. Whereas my friend, a white American, received hers in English.
- When I walked into a clothing store arms linked with my Korean American friend, an employee came up to us only gave her a coupon for foreigners.
- When I went out to an SNU event, I was asked by an exchange student if I was one of the local Korean “buddies.”
In conclusion, you can’t satisfy everyone. And your identity is certainly not something meant to satisfy anyone’s thoughts of beliefs. It’s what you believe.