I struggle to write this blog post today. In the past 48 hours, hundreds of innocent people have lost their lives at the hands of terrorists around the world. It is impossible to share my true feelings on these horrific occurrences because I can hardly understand them myself. I have been seeing countless Facebook and Twitter posts telling me how I should feel. The majority of them sympathize with the victims of the killings and their families and express condolences. Others politicize the events, claiming that the refugees coming into Europe are the cause (which I cannot understand how this could possibly true, given the fact that the refugees are running FROM the same people who caused these attacks). Still others shame those who are putting an emphasis on the attacks in Paris, saying we don’t care about the Arab world since hardly anyone is talking about the killings in Beirut and Baghdad. That we only care when white people are killed. I am extremely offended by these posts, telling me and my peers how I am supposed to feel and who I am supposed to sympathize with. Let the grief be felt, wherever it may be felt.
I know people in Paris, I have friends there this semester, and one girl on my Madrid program who I am close with was there visiting this weekend. Several of my friends literally JUST returned from visits there while abroad before the attacks happened. I have a right to feel grief and fear. It hit close to home. These attacks show that NO ONE is safe, no matter where they are in the world, and I feel they are personal attacks on my loved ones and my belief system. No matter what we feel, we are allowed to feel that way – but do not tell others how they are supposed to react.
I was just about to go to bed on Friday night when I got the CNN notification on my phone about what had begun to happen in Paris. I heard the phone ring in my apartment and my host mom picked it up. She talked to someone on the other line in Spanish and when she hung up, she went into a panic. She turned on her radio as loud as it could go and I heard her start pacing around the room, making phone calls and having frantic conversations with her loved ones. She has friends in Paris, and a lot of her family members go there often.
I can only imagine how many conversations like these went on around Western Europe, and around the world, when the news reached us. I sat in my room on my computer refreshing Google News, constantly waiting for answers. I FaceTimed with my boyfriend, who I have plans with to meet in Paris in just two weeks over his Thanksgiving break. I got many concerned texts from friends back home making sure I wasn’t traveling in France this weekend. This is the first time in my life that I have had a terrorist attack so close to home that I could feel the pain and confusion so potently. I was only six years old on September 11, 2001, and I was young enough that I only knew fear from the adults around me, but I couldn’t comprehend it myself. This is different. And now I understand the grief from that event so much more.
So, how do I feel now? Still confused. Still helpless. Still questioning. Still unsure of what to do, who to talk to, what to say. I am thankful that those I know in Paris are okay. But what about those that aren’t? What am I supposed to do for them and their families? How do I go on living my own life while they’re suffering immeasurably? Just across the Pyrenees Mountains from me is a scene of unimaginable grief that I cannot understand no matter how hard I try. I feel so close to it but yet so far that I feel that anything I say or do will be wrong. One of the main goals of terrorism, and what the terrorists want, is to upset our daily lives; to turn our world completely upside down so we are paralyzed. I don’t want to give in to that. I want to continue to live my life and take full advantage of my time abroad. I want to go to Paris with my boyfriend in two weeks. I don’t want to be afraid of getting on a plane to go to Switzerland this week. But I am. And because of this, I feel like I let them win. How can I be strong when it feels like the (very immediate) world around me is falling apart?
I usually don’t pray on my own, so I am not praying for Paris or for the rest of the world for the sake of doing so. I am keeping these places in my heart and in my thoughts. A heavy, dark cloud weighs over all of us. We will continue to live our lives with as much normalcy as possible, and as happens with time, the grief will subside. Right now, there is not much to be done other than consoling ourselves and our loved ones. I have been extremely touched by the way the world community has come together, all differences aside, to stand by the victims of these attacks. Right now is about grief and survival, not about politics or unfounded blame. Rest in peace to all those who were taken from us so tragically this weekend, and my heart goes out to all the families grieving around the world at this moment.
Solidaridad de Madrid, España.