By Emily Golden
My community and my journey of discovering my identity have been interlocked since the beginning. I was born in Shanghai, China and adopted as an infant by my beautiful mother. I grew up in a white family and attended predominantly white schools from kindergarten through college. The community meant to support my identity was simultaneously the very thing that made me so confused about it in the first place. Growing up and not looking like your mom, or your grandparents, or just about anyone you’re surrounded by is a tough obstacle in accepting and embracing your identity. My family and friends definitely supported me and didn’t box me into an “Chinese-American” identity and raised as just American. My mom also made the topic of adoption very open and easy so I’ve never been uncomfortable talking about my adoption.
I remember in first grade the first time a boy asked me why I didn’t look like my mom. I gave a sassy, first grade response to this poor boy but when I went home I remember wondering why other people didn’t get asked the same question and why they didn’t have to defend their identity like I did.
I love my family and I know my family loves me, but I knew from a very young age that at least physically, I will never full fit in. And on the other side, even though I may be physically Chinese, I can’t relate to many experiences and backgrounds of Chinese Americans with Chinese families. The limbo was and is an interesting place of self discovery where neither community can really help you along your journey. Coming to the realization that just being you is enough, regardless of where you come from or how the world perceives you, was a process that I needed to come to on my own.
Since being abroad, everyone expects that I speak fluent Chinese and are confused when I sit with my other classmates or have an accent when I speak the Chinese I do know. When still deciding whether to do an internship or language pledge, I re-evaluated my intentions for doing the language pledge. I started learning Chinese in 8th grade because I thought it made sense being Chinese, that I learn how to speak Chinese. That intention developed into genuine interest in the language and culture of China, but I also discovered that much of the world would expect me to already speak Chinese. I briefly chose the internship, because I didn’t want to commit to a language just because it is an expectation. But I finally chose to do the month long language pledge because I wasn’t doing it for expectation’s sake, but for my own. I don’t think my time abroad has largely effected the why I identify myself, but has definitely made me reflect on it in new, eye opening ways.
