By msparks714
I am certain that some of you may be wondering what the name actual stands for. For starters, my good friend Merriam Webster tells us that “Expat” is a noun and short for Expatriate. Expatriate then is “a person who lives outside their native country.” So I think that explains the logic behind why I myself, at this very moment, am an expatriate.
Every day though, my situation becomes a little more complex. For instance, when people look at me, I am the epitome of what a “typical German person” is. (We’ll talk more later about why that actually doesn’t exist.) Nonetheless, the people at stores speak to me in German, I’ve never had a problem at the airport, and until I open my mouth and start to speak–I could pretty well pass for a young German student just riding my bike to school everyday. That, my friends, is what sometimes makes things difficult.
Genetically, stripped all the way down, I’m a human being just like everyone else. I share in the ability of happy, sad, love, pain, joy that other humans are capable of feeling. One step up from that I am a female. The gender construction, no matter the open dialogue about it today, says that I am a female based on different parts of my body and so that is what also has shaped part of my identity. Moving even further up from there we could look at where my family comes from, what hand I write with, etc. These are solid facts that we can look at. Places, things, people…so I can’t go and deny these things. The science shows that I was born a female with lighter skin, lighter hair, and green eyes. These are things I can’t deny because it’s in my genetics and so we work with them.
As we grow up there is somehow this moment where we start to form our own opinions on things and shape ourselves based on our surroundings, not only physical but emotional, spiritual, and cultural. These are the things that we can’t necessarily touch but sometimes make up a bigger chunk of us than we could actually ever imagine. At other times, it’s easy to strip yourself of these things or to hide them on the inside because it’s not written on your face that you practice a certain religion, or how much money you make, or what your sexual preferences are…these things are extremely important to people but the biggest part is, you get to shape these things around what you were born with, and that’s pretty special.
For me, being an expat in a country where I so much look like I belong has challenges. People treat me here as one of them…which sounds great. But it’s quite difficult when the clerk always expects you to understand her slurred, under the breath instructions and you just keep begging, “Wie bitte?” (Or: Excuse me, say that again.) Now I realize that another big part of my identity is that I am American. This is something I can’t change because I was born on America soil. The reason that it’s not part of the science though is because I was just born on a moving tectonic plate that a certain group of people just so happen to call their own. With this group of people comes a certain sense of identity. There’s a language, food, past times, actions, reactions, etc etc that shape the social and cultural identity that I now model. (That’s how it’s easier for people around the world to know if someone isn’t quite from their country, not merely based on looks but on behavior!)
I thought for a long time that by coming to Germany, I’d find a new little piece of myself here and possibly even want to stay forever. I think that I am definitely learning more than I ever thought I would, not only academically but also spiritually, and emotionally. With that, I decided the best way to express this was through naming these entries. On the inside, I know that I’m not from here, the customs are totally new, and the cultural and learned parts of my identity are different. On the outside, I seem to be just like anyone else, moving about and living a life that may seem second nature. This ongoing internal/external divide is what I’m striving most to figure out. This is what is shaping me. That’s why I am the Internal Expat.