By squeakyrobot
This semester has been the best of my college career, but I feel suspended. I feel like I’m floating, wholly unable to grab onto anything concrete like degree-furthering classes and the general “real life” of a university senior, full of cliched anxieties and problems. I don’t want to leave Russia, but I should leave. To continue to live this wonderful life would be too good to be true, and I don't want to give it the chance to get sour (not that it ever would).
But here I am, acting like this is the finale. It's not over, just a pause. I’ve convinced myself that I just have temporary matters to attend to, and I’ll be back in the Motherland before I know it.
Russia has been incredible. I’ve learned substantially more about more, even though my classes were lax at best. I’ve learned more Russian, I’ve learned more history and literature and culture, I know Russia better than I ever thought I would. I’ve met amazing people, both American and Russian, and the things they’ve taught me are truly priceless. It’s been an overwhelmingly, entirely positive life and travel experience, and I can’t even describe how grateful I am that things turned out this way. They could so easily not have turned out this way.
The best part about leaving is knowing that I've taken nothing for granted. Walking down the street, I noticed and appreciated everything and every tiny thing I could - the smell of wood burning, the lap dogs in wool sweaters, this cobblestone, that pile of snow. For no reason at all. I'm grateful for everything my eyes presented me with in the last four months simply because these things are in Russia which means I'm in Russia and I'm happy to be here. No moment went by when I wished I were elsewhere. Not one awkward or unpleasant occurrence that made me want to throw in the towel and buy a one-way ticket to New Jersey. I was completely present-oriented, and that gives me peace of mind. It allows for this soothing voice in my head that says: "You gave it your best shot, and you frequently stopped to recognize how happy you were. Now it's time to move on." So I'm okay with it. Reluctant, but okay.
For the next semester, the plan is to graduate. The plan is also to find a job I like. Nothing new or original from this soon-to-be-college-graduate.
The biggest challenge of this last semester will be trying to cope with the US, a place that is decidedly not Russia. I seldom experience culture shock, but reverse culture shock hits me like a school bus runs over a turtle. When I’m in the US, I just want to be elsewhere. And if it weren’t for school and my family, I would easily be elsewhere. It’ll be difficult juggling school and work and this mental roadblock that is inevitably in my near future. In short, next semester will probably be about dealing with the crash after the high. While this challenge intimidates me, right now I welcome it wholeheartedly. Because what’s a life with no challenge?
Nothing at all, I’d venture.